Writing, Instead of Talking

I realize how much I sound like Bella, but I need to write or I’m going to have “word vomit” and while it might temporarily make me feel better, it will only end in disaster, at least right now.

I’m scared as hell he’ll decide he doesn’t want me, especially if the diagnosis comes back ‘bi-polar.’  Usually, I don’t fully appreciate what I have until it’s gone, but not this time.  This time, I actually got it and I think that makes it being gone hurt worse.

He was the only person I wanted to share my life with.  And he wanted to share his with me.  We wanted to build one together.

I cannot imagine wanting that with anyone else. So, the idea that he could want it with anyone else makes me sad.  And panicky.

While I miss the physical, what I miss most is the emotional closeness.  I miss the day to day interactions.  I miss talking every night. I miss sitting side by side talking.  I miss our dynamic, his laughter, his facial expressions when he was excited…the list could go on forever.

What I wouldn’t gladly part with to have it all back again.  I desperately wish I could find a way to show him how much.

I know he said he needs time-so why am I finding time so hard to relinquish?!

Because while time heals all wounds, it seems it could make me out of sight, out of mind.

Oppugno!

Sequentially, I know I’m all over the place.

I’m okay with it.

I find myself, as I often do, considering Hermione’s actions in relation to Ron.  After the lengthy conversation I had last night, I find myself in the Half-Blood Prince.  I’m in the Gryffindor common room after the Quidditch match, when Lavender Brown kisses Ron and poor Hermione vanishes into an empty classroom to cry.

I have a sense of intuition that I ought know by now not to doubt.  I am also cursed with a dual nature.  One side, she’s Bones.  She’s hyper-rational…rational to the point where she loses things.  The other side, she’s Angela.  She is not rational.  She is emotional and reactive.  Bones used to be in control, but she’s often at a loss to Angela.  I knew, deep within my heart and my head, that something had shifted.  I’ve experienced it before, and I’m sure I’ll experience it again.  The shrewd observation of events is all Bones…the emotional repercussions of them, that’s Angela.

The dynamic is different when it’s a relationship you’ve already tried verses a relationship you’ve never had.  Hermione did not know, definitively.  However, I can imagine her betrayal, perceived or actual, that she must have felt when Ron kissed Lavender.  It’s the same betrayal as seeing a relationship declared on facebook, or getting a text when you’re driving down the road confirming the news you’ve been intuitively sensing was coming.  I am impressed she made it to the classroom.  I wish I had a Harry Potter to cry on.

As Hermione says, “he’s at perfect liberty to kiss whomever he likes.”  Yes, sure.  While I don’t like it, I can deal with the physical.  I’m not perfect.  What I can’t deal with is the notion of emotions…of not being given the opportunity to finally figure it out, the way Hermione did.    Precedent tells me that things will not work out the way I want them to, but experience tells me that I will survive, regardless.

Still….”OPPUGNO!”

I Need a Time Turner

“Take a semester off to recooperate from being so sick,” they said.  “You can catch up in the spring,” they said.

Oh goodness me.  I still wanted to graduate on time (May 3, 2013, Breslin Center) so I decided I would take 9 credits this spring.  As Achmed would say, “Oh holy crap, I think I blew my foot off.”  It’s not that it’s not doable.  It’s just that 9 credits, plus working lots of basketball games to help with money, plus keeping up with my house, and then a sinus infection is a lot to deal with.  Did I mention also the fact that I work full time as it is?!

So, naturally, I turn to my role models: Anne Shirley taught school, helped Marilla run Green Gables, and still did school by coorespondence (along with Gilbert Blythe…oh my beating heart).  And Hermione decided to take extra classes, using her Time Turner (I don’t think too closely about the implications of her using that all year…it gives me a headache). 

I could really use a time turner in order to do it all and still have the time to sleep, work out, tan, read for pleasure, watch TV, play with the pets, and grade papers.

Can I just say how awesome it is that Hermione used the power of time travel to learn more?!  Damn, I envy that girl.

I'm not sure who made this, but they're awesome.

I’m not sure who made this, but they’re awesome.

Considering Hermione, Deathly Hallows

Ron left Hermione when things got hard, when things got too tough.  He thought he couldn’t handle it.  She was crushed, but she kept on because she knew she had to.

I have not been Hermione.  Hermione said nothing of her pain, focused her efforts on finding and destroying Horcruxes.

I won’t say I’ve been Bella.  I haven’t gone numb.  I’ve had fun, I’ve made friends and laughed.

I will say I’ve been somewhere in the middle.  So now, I find a way to keep so busy I won’t know the damn difference anymore.  Ron will either come around or he won’t.  I’m wondering what might have happened if Ron had never come back.  What if Edward would never have come back because he realized it was necessary to Bella’s survival?

It will not be necessary for him to come back for me to survive.  Eventually, it will not be tied to my happiness, either.  Someday, perhaps, it will all work out.  I may have to find another literary analogy to make my comparison, but I will…eventually.
hermionebella

Faith, Hope, Love

I’ve been rereading the Potter series (in addition to several other books).  This is a yearly occurrence in my life, but it’s coming at a particularly necessary time.

My students always start the year thinking I’m Umbridge, but right about how they start to realize no, I’m McGonagall…tough, but consistent, and really care. 

I’ve been thinking about the Deathly Hallows a lot lately.  The wand…great power, great responsibility.  As a teacher, I have great power in the lives of my students (no matter what the damn politicians will tell you) and that is a great responsibility.  Hence, greater meaning of the Elder Wand.

The Resurrection Stone, with it’s power to recall loved ones from the grave, seems to me as a reminder that, as Sirius tells harry in PoA movie, “The ones that love us never really leave us.”  We all have a Resurrection Stone in our lives, called our memories.  Never forget those who love you, because they will never leave you.

And finally, we have the Invisibility Cloak.  None of us can avoid Death, but the fear of Death should not be the dominate fear in our lives.  I refuse to live my life in fear of what may be lurking around a corner.  The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death…I shall live like I am dying.

I am an avid reader, and know I will remain so for the rest of my life.  There are times that I am amazed at the knowledge people will never have, and the places they will never go, because they do not read.  Hence, the quotation at the bottom (grammar to be fixed when they fill in my lines.  It was PAINFUL!  But, then, I suppose all lessons are).

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Well, don’t you?

Being Petrified

I wish other people could live in my head for a few minutes.  Maybe it would help my interpersonal relations.

Even with my love of Anne Shirley, I never clicked with a female like I did with Hermione.  And here it is again, cropping up.

He said we’re from two drastically different backgrounds, because I like to read and he doesn’t.  Boy, did I want to point to Hermione and Ron’s relationship once we got off the phone and all the things I wanted to say occured to me (don’t think “oppugno” with some canaries wasn’t on my list).  Let’s look at all the ways that Ms. Granger and Mr. Weasley were from different backgrounds:

~Blood (Wizarding family verses Muggle Family)
~Academic performance (teacher’s pet verses most likely to lose his house 20 points for being late his first day)
~Strengths (hers, academic, his, social)
~Reader?  (she is, he is not)

And yet they were both vital to the defeat of Voldemort, the distruction of the Horcruxes, and the ending of the Wizarding War.  Her bookworm tendencies complimented Ron’s basic common sense (to this, I point to the chapter “through the trap door” in SS, where Hermione knows how to stop the Devil’s Snare but ‘has no wood.’  Thank goodness Ron’s common sense prevailed).  Ron was brave to go with Harry into the Chamber; Hermione was bookish and put together the missing pieces through research.  THEY ARE A BALANCE.

These are compatiable differences.  They compliment each other, like colors opposite one another on a color wheel.  It’s not we’re Bella and Edward and not even the same species…

It’s not like we’re Peeta and Katniss.  Maybe we’re in the love triangle of Peeta-Katniss-Gale…

No,  that would mean the Gale in his faulty analogy has a shot and is actually up for serious life-partner consideration. 

I’m giving myself a headache.  I wonder if that ever happened to Hermione.

I’ve Got to Stop Neglecting My Blog

I can’t help but wonder how Hermione felt in Book Six (Half-Blood Prince) when Ron began dating Lavendar.

To the best of my knowledge, my now ex hasn’t moved on yet, isn’t dating someone new.  He’s not that kind of guy.  If I find out otherwise, well, I’ll have to change him from a Harry in my mind (trys his best to do the right thing, always works hard, loyal) to a Malfoy.  (I know, I know, my analogies are faulty.  So sue me.)  I really don’t want to change him to a Malfoy.  I can’t believe him to be that kind of man.  Our breakup was more of the Harry and Cho variety (a fight just became too much) than the Lily and Snape variety (bitter and irreversible). 

I can understand what she went through with Cormac MacLaggen.  Don’t think I haven’t considered it.  But, at the end of the day, I want to be able to look myself in the eye and go to bed with an easier conscious.  And, I don’t have it in me to lead some poor soul on.

I had a nasty realization mid-week last week.  I’ve been there as Hermione lost Ron for a period of time in what seems like all of the books (the first, before they were friends.  The second, when she was petrified.  The third, the battle of the cat v. rat.  The fourth, following the Yule Ball.  The Half-Blood prince, where her heart was broken by him, and finally, The Deathly Hallows, when she thought he was gone for good).  I’ve also read through the books as Bella lost Edward.  When the love of Hermione’s life left her, she soldiered on, continuing to hunt for the Horcruxes.  She was in pain, but she put it aside for the betterment of the Wizarding World.

Bella did a lot of homework, worked aimlessly, went numb, and then jumped off a cliff.

Yeah…I think I want to be a Hermione.