I realize how much I sound like Bella, but I need to write or I’m going to have “word vomit” and while it might temporarily make me feel better, it will only end in disaster, at least right now.
I’m scared as hell he’ll decide he doesn’t want me, especially if the diagnosis comes back ‘bi-polar.’ Usually, I don’t fully appreciate what I have until it’s gone, but not this time. This time, I actually got it and I think that makes it being gone hurt worse.
He was the only person I wanted to share my life with. And he wanted to share his with me. We wanted to build one together.
I cannot imagine wanting that with anyone else. So, the idea that he could want it with anyone else makes me sad. And panicky.
While I miss the physical, what I miss most is the emotional closeness. I miss the day to day interactions. I miss talking every night. I miss sitting side by side talking. I miss our dynamic, his laughter, his facial expressions when he was excited…the list could go on forever.
What I wouldn’t gladly part with to have it all back again. I desperately wish I could find a way to show him how much.
I know he said he needs time-so why am I finding time so hard to relinquish?!
Because while time heals all wounds, it seems it could make me out of sight, out of mind.
Sequentially, I know I’m all over the place.
I’m okay with it.
I find myself, as I often do, considering Hermione’s actions in relation to Ron. After the lengthy conversation I had last night, I find myself in the Half-Blood Prince. I’m in the Gryffindor common room after the Quidditch match, when Lavender Brown kisses Ron and poor Hermione vanishes into an empty classroom to cry.
I have a sense of intuition that I ought know by now not to doubt. I am also cursed with a dual nature. One side, she’s Bones. She’s hyper-rational…rational to the point where she loses things. The other side, she’s Angela. She is not rational. She is emotional and reactive. Bones used to be in control, but she’s often at a loss to Angela. I knew, deep within my heart and my head, that something had shifted. I’ve experienced it before, and I’m sure I’ll experience it again. The shrewd observation of events is all Bones…the emotional repercussions of them, that’s Angela.
The dynamic is different when it’s a relationship you’ve already tried verses a relationship you’ve never had. Hermione did not know, definitively. However, I can imagine her betrayal, perceived or actual, that she must have felt when Ron kissed Lavender. It’s the same betrayal as seeing a relationship declared on facebook, or getting a text when you’re driving down the road confirming the news you’ve been intuitively sensing was coming. I am impressed she made it to the classroom. I wish I had a Harry Potter to cry on.
As Hermione says, “he’s at perfect liberty to kiss whomever he likes.” Yes, sure. While I don’t like it, I can deal with the physical. I’m not perfect. What I can’t deal with is the notion of emotions…of not being given the opportunity to finally figure it out, the way Hermione did. Precedent tells me that things will not work out the way I want them to, but experience tells me that I will survive, regardless.