Writing, Instead of Talking

I realize how much I sound like Bella, but I need to write or I’m going to have “word vomit” and while it might temporarily make me feel better, it will only end in disaster, at least right now.

I’m scared as hell he’ll decide he doesn’t want me, especially if the diagnosis comes back ‘bi-polar.’  Usually, I don’t fully appreciate what I have until it’s gone, but not this time.  This time, I actually got it and I think that makes it being gone hurt worse.

He was the only person I wanted to share my life with.  And he wanted to share his with me.  We wanted to build one together.

I cannot imagine wanting that with anyone else. So, the idea that he could want it with anyone else makes me sad.  And panicky.

While I miss the physical, what I miss most is the emotional closeness.  I miss the day to day interactions.  I miss talking every night. I miss sitting side by side talking.  I miss our dynamic, his laughter, his facial expressions when he was excited…the list could go on forever.

What I wouldn’t gladly part with to have it all back again.  I desperately wish I could find a way to show him how much.

I know he said he needs time-so why am I finding time so hard to relinquish?!

Because while time heals all wounds, it seems it could make me out of sight, out of mind.


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